happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize