i always forget guys have bellybuttons
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I think my moral compass just broke
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
