So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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