you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
