I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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