I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I wish they made helmets for livers.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
