Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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