If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
