Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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