Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
