i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Randomize
