bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
