This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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