"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Randomize
