I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
