did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize