I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
