I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
