is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
