My hair reeks of homosexuality.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
