when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
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