Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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