If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Randomize
