All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
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