You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I could make wine with my vomit
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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