i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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