You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
