and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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