I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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