I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Randomize
