Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
