Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
