God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
