I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
