Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
my poor anus
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
