Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
