I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize