Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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