If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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