u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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