Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
