New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
