How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
