What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
