I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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