new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
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