fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
