you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I have feelings that need drinking.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize
