I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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