Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
