He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I came so hard my ears popped.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
