well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
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