So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize