my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
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