chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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