plz talk dirty to me
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
