it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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