The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
