I can text with my tongue
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
