I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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